Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
