I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
