dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
