just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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