Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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