she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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