im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
