I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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