1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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