I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
