Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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