He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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