saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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