dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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