I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
