Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Everything about him screamed your future.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
