i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
