i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm like, not good at living.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
