I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Of course I have a pirate flag
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
