why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
