Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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