I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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