And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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