im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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