I faked an abortion last night.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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