i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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