Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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