Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
