Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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