Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
