Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
