Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
