I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
