I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
