So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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