I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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