The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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