dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
