what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
