I cut my penus on the lid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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