yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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