she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
