My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
well you can't waste a boner
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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