I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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