he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
