just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
