Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
