Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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