my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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