At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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