textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
